news feed (rss 2.0)I have a love-hate relationship with advice columns. I love them because they prove that other people out there have the same problems I do (albeit usually in a more extreme version), but I hate them because they make me feel like I’m rubbernecking at a crash scene, somehow getting comfort or enjoyment out of the fact that I’m not the one in such dire straits. The addition of reader comments to online columns only makes this phenomenon that much more potent; now the general public can also play judge and jury to those desperate enough to write to a total stranger for advice. Sometimes it makes me nostalgic for the old days, you know, when Abby or Ann had the last word.
What makes these comment sections so insidious is that they seem to draw mostly those on polar opposites of a certain question; the vitriol and intentional misunderstanding on both sides often makes me cringe. Alas, this is also what makes them fun to read! But after taking in so many comments by wannabe advice-givers, I have to stop and remind myself that no one making these comments has the full story. They are only guessing, based on the letter writer’s account, which may be further edited by the columnist, at where the real problem lies. For that reason, I’ve stopped reading these comments as attempts at helping or admonishing the letter writer, but more as an indication of the state of that particular person’s soul. What are they reading into the story based on their own experiences that makes them so passionate about this topic?
All this was going through my head as I re-read a column written by Cary Tennis, the advice columnist on Salon.com. I had saved the link to this column, which originally ran last March, because it seemed pertinent to introvert-related discussions. The basic story is that a woman was incensed because her best friend’s husband, whom she has known for forty years, recently made some comments to her that she found highly insulting (you can read more of the details in the column). The letter writer summed up his comments as follows:
He told me that he was having a difficult time being in my company. I said that after all these years you are telling me this? After that he continued: I make noises and cackle, I laugh too loud, I’m offensive, I’m too boisterous, and maybe I should walk around with a microphone to hear myself. And to add more insult, as if this were not enough, he noted that friends of theirs also have difficulty in my company.
All in all, written from her perspective, these comments seem very hurtful and not very constructive. However, going with my theory that the reader isn’t getting the full story, I wonder how the situation felt to the man who made the comments. I have to say, being an introvert, and having known many people who seem to suck the air out of a room without realizing the effect they are having on other people (only a small subset of extroverts by the way), my sympathies naturally lie with the best friend’s husband. And as to her question about why it’s taken him so long to express his discomfort, I can easily understand why he might have been hesitant to mention anything to her. As most introverts know, it just isn’t done. You don’t get to call someone on their “boisterous” behavior, no matter its effect on you, because you might hurt that person’s feelings when they are only “expressing their personality.” If you do, you risk having your own preferences questioned and belittled, as many of the comments on this column went on to illustrate.
Not knowing either of the people involved, the majority of the commenters (apart from a few brave souls who expressed sympathy for the possibly introverted man) felt free to make harsh judgments about this woman’s “tormentor,” insinuating that he is insensitive, has a problem with women, is anti-social, leads a pitiful little life, even going so far as to imply that his mental faculties are eroding as he gets older. Even Cary Tennis, the columnist, gets in on the act of bashing this man for his behavior. Maybe he knows something we don’t, but based on what was available, I don’t think all this vociferousness was justified. I don’t agree with the manner in which this man made his comments, but I can identify with the level of frustration he may have been feeling. As one of the more thoughtful commenters noted, if it was insensitive for him to bring up his grievances after all these years, she was equally insensitive in not realizing the effect her behavior had on him for the same number of years.
As I said earlier, I believe that we bring to these modern fables our own experiences which color our reactions. I will admit up front that I am usually more sympathetic to the introvert in these types of situations (within limits of course). But I don’t yet know how to answer the bigger question this raises: how do we as introverts make space for ourselves without lashing out in frustration (as this man seemed to do)? Is there a constructive way to tell someone they’re bothering you?
September 14th, 2007 at 11:52 am
During an argument, my sister told her friend of many years all the negative, annoying aspects of her friend’s personality. She had never said these things begore, and felt (and still feels) totally justified in doing so, and the friend was offended and, like the woman in your article, was shocked, upset and didn’t believe these statements. They no are no longer friends, and they haven’t spoken to each other in 6 years.
When someone has said anything negative about my personality, work, thoughts or actions my immediate reaction is to become defensive and justify why in my head. Of course I am right and the offending person is wrong - even if deep down I may know differently.
Even Al Capone disbelieved the criticism he received “I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man.” (http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Al_Capone and HTWFAIP by Dale Carnegie) and yet he was one of the most feared men in Chicago.
When we put up with annoying or thoughtless people and situations that upset us we become like bottles of tomato ketchup. The longer we don’t find a release the more ketchup we try to stuff in the bottle until… we explode and it gets pretty messy! We get angry and hurt, others get angry and hurt, and it’s difficult to clean up the mess and pick up the pieces.
Getting angry means we have been hurt personally. It takes time for those feelings to heal. So, if we find another way to deal with our frustrations caused by others we will save face and there will be a lot less tomato ketchup stains in our lives!
October 10th, 2007 at 9:37 pm
Dealing with oblivious bombastic extroverts is a fact of life. If you are close enough friends that you can spend years together, the introvert will need to don that extrovert hat once in a while (as we commonly do in the work world and the social world) and express him/herself. I’ve learned to spar right back with bombasts by calling them on their rambunctious behavior– in a fun and joking way of course. “Wow man, you have no idea how much you’re losing the crowd right now, huh? hahaha!” They say that in every joke is some form of truth, so eventually it will sink in that this is how you see that person.
The key here is “fun”. Don’t let it get to you. Let it roll off like water on a duck’s back. Bottling it up is never good. Extroverts thrive on external feedback, so have fun with that. Learn to let things go, and to have fun with people who are crass don’t know it.
October 15th, 2007 at 6:06 pm
Jasper and Dennis:
Thanks so much for your comments! You’ve both given me a lot of food for thought regarding how to deal with this type of situation. No ketchup bottles!
December 24th, 2007 at 6:04 am
Dear R&R:
I am one of those extroverts you speak of. I am also 6ft 4in tall and have a booming voice as well. When I am in the house, everyone knows. I am also an annoying know it all. Any time someone mentions a subject I know anything about (and I do mean anything), I can’t help but expound on the subject ad infinitum.
I know I am annoying. I know I drownd out people who are introverted or not as “Bombastic” as I am. I am also quick to make jokes about myself and admit that I am annoying to help relieve the social situations that I am in. It’s like taurrets (sic) syndrome for me. I honestly try to keep my personality under control but frequently find myself wondering if I have gone too far as I provide punditry about subjects as esoteric as ancient Roman plumbing, the chemistry of emulsifiers or analysis of bad drivers in my town. I truly feel sorry for the people around me some times. I can no more stop my personality of being extroverted than you can of being introverted.
My feeling is that most extroverts know that they can be annoying. Gentle hints and sad faced comment about the relevance gel physics at a party from my audience are often enough for me to try to limit my expositon. I do get an occasional person who seems enraged that I am who I am. But rarely do I get enraged at people who are wall flowers and don’t join in the festivities of a friendly gathering or party. I understand thier angst and I try to work with them, maybe to thier dread.
In the end, that is why we choose the people we do to “hang out with”. Most people I hang out with love the fact that I make things happen in thier otherwise dreary life. And they can (and do) take frequent pot shots at me for my social style. But like most successful commedians, I can handle the heckeler in the crowd. But I try to do it with self deprication instead of anger or spite.
I feel you pain. Can you feel mine?
January 1st, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Elgog:
I can imagine what it might feel like to be on the other end of the spectrum, and how that has its own challenges. But I have to say that you seem very self-aware and open to hearing what other people have to say, which makes you different from the type of person I referred to in this post. It really is a question of respect, and the ability to have compassion for someone who sees the world a little differently than you do. Unfortunately, there are some people (introverts and extroverts alike) who are consistently unable to see beyond their own concerns in order to gauge the effect they are having on other people.